To Kill a Blasphemer
by Shikirou
Summary: Kakuzu finally got Hidan to make a Myspace. During the process of editing his details, the Zealot's reaction to Tom was to be expected. Crack!fic. One-shot. Please R and R!


**A/N:** Here I am, only about ten minutes after getting home from school, and instead of tending to my biology and algebra homework, I'm here, writing_ this_. It's my dad's fault, actually. We were in the car on the way to my house, and our conversation strayed from school work to religion, and as usual, he tells me he's disappointed in my choice to be atheist. I try to respect every religion, but he, like the Christian that he is, flat-out tells me he doesn't respect atheists or, dare I say it, Satanists! I'm not going to lie, this gets on my nerves. A lot.

And for some odd reason, my mind suddenly rolls over to the thought of Myspace and I realize something that our dear Hidan finds out the hard way...

**Warnings?: **If you read the A/N above, I'm sure you realize that the text in this story below may offend people because it is over the "untouchable topic"; religion. And because of Hidan, there is also strong language in the story. Read with caution.

**Disclaimer: **I'm a fourteen year-old girl who lives in Texas. I own a Death Note shirt from Hot Topic, an L key chain, and a Pokemon folder that I had since third grade. Do you think I own Death Note or the characters in it? No.

* * *

He finally decided to give it a try.

After months and months of listening to Kakuzu's incessant whining and complaining, Hidan decided, shortly after hearing yet another one of his rants, to get on the computer and make a Myspace account of his own.

The computer screen in front of the zealot illuminated the dark room around him, soft tapping of keys emitting the room as he filled out the information page of some basic information needed – name, state, user name and password, and et cetera. He uploaded a picture, confirmed his email address, and added some friends before continuing to edit his Myspace by putting down his interests.

When he clicked the "details" tab, he was _beyond_ appalled at what he saw.

He clicked the drop down menu again as his eyes scanned the choices on religion. At first, he thought it was a mistake. It must have been. They had Agnostic, Atheist, Buddhist, Catholic, Christian, Hindu, Jewish, Mormon, and other religions Hidan hadn't even heard of in his life! Surely, if they had all those choices, they must have simply forgotten Jashinism on accident! There was just no other way to explain it, he reasoned.

But Hidan knew that even if this was a mistake, this was simply unforgivable! How dare this... _Tom _guy – of which Hidan had never heard of until now – have all these obscene, _heathen_ religions on the list and not his! Hidan felt disgusting for even associating himself with this blasphemy.

There was only one way to make things just again, decided a fuming Hidan after pondering this for a while. He sat up from the computer desk to confront Kakuzu, the thought burning in his mind.

_He had to assassinate Tom._

* * *

When the silver-haired man reached Kakuzu, he was sitting down on the floor, in front of a miniature vault, counting money. Engrossed in his work, he was slightly scared by Hidan when he came stomping into the room.

He scowled in annoyance and continued to count some hundred dollar bills. "What the hell do you want, Hidan?"

Hidan remained silent as he stood behind his partner, who paused suddenly before saying, "On second thought, never mind. It's probably about money," and continuing to count the hundreds.

"I don't want your damn money, _Kakuzu_. What I want is much more important than that!" He paused. "... How the hell did you get all that money, anyway?"

Kakuzu sat down his money – rather gently, noticed Hidan – and began to stand up off the ground, waving his hand in the air dismissively. "That's that important. Now, what stupid plan do you have _this time_, Hidan?"

"Stupid?!" He repeated angrily. "This plan is _far_ from stupid, Kakuzu! And your the one who caused me to have to do this, thank-you for asking!"

Kakuzu stared at the zealot blankly. "... Excuse me?"

"You heard me! If you hadn't of fucking _forced _me to go to Myspace, then I wouldn't have to kill that... that _Blasphemer_!"

The reaction he received from Kakuzu, Hidan wasn't expecting.

Instead of annoyance, anger – or even a mixture of the two, as Hidan had anticipated – he was... _laughing_?

In a matter of seconds, Kakuzu was on the floor in a fit of laughter, his chest heaving as he rolled slightly from side-to-side, all the while Hidan stood, absolutely dumb-founded by his partner's reaction. He didn't know whether to be angry by his reaction or not.

Slowly, Kakuzu's cackles ceased. He sniffled slightly as he tried to suppress another outburst of laughter. "You've decided that you have to kill Tom?"

"Oh, so you know who I'm talking about, do you?" He said with a snarl. "I can't believe you even associate yourself with such filth!"

"First of all, Hidan," began Kakuzu with an amused smile, "I don't associate myself with him. I don't even _know_ the guy. All I know about him is that he created Myspace and is now, because of that, rich. For that, he is one of my idols. Right up there with Alice Walton and Oprah Winfrey." He suddenly realized he was getting off topic. He waved his hands in the air again. "But that's besides the point. What I was going to say is, why are you going to _kill_ the guy?"

"Why? Why?! That's the stupidest question I've ever heard!" He stopped his foot to the ground. "The fucking cuntbag defied my religion!!"

"Oh?" Asked Kakuzu, snickering slightly. He already knew why, he just liked to lead Hidan on. "How so?"

"How?! Here," he grabbed Kakuzu's arm and led him to where his laptop was roughly. He pointed to the screen unnecessarily. "Take a look yourself! On the damned list there!"

Not even needing to grab the mouse controller, he turned to face his friend, suppressing a laugh. "I know, they don't have your precious Jashin down on the list."

"Then why the fuck did you nag at me to make a Myspace?!" He asked, steaming with anger.

This only amused Kakuzu more. He smirked. "I guess you could say it was payback, of sorts."

"Payback?" He asked, confused. "For wha-"

"You remember now?" Kakuzu smirk enlarged slightly.

"... Motherfucker. Was it the whole "Satanist" thing?"

"Do you remember what you said to me, Hidan?"

"..."

"You said 'Who gives a fuck-'" Hidan joined him reluctantly – "'about Satanists'."

"Yeah, but honestly, no one does! I fucking don't! Look!" He pointed to the screen again. "They don't have Satanists on the list... either..."

Kakuzu smiled. "I'm sure that's exactly how other religions feel about yours, any many others, for that matter. Such as how you refer to their religion as "blasphemous". ... That's exactly how they view your religion, and so they reserved your religion for the "other" option."

* * *

And so, after feeling as if he had a breakthrough with Hidan for once, Kakuzu felt as if he may have actually learned something – although if he did, he didn't show it. During that day, the two went out for a bite to eat in town at Jason's Deli. While the two were waiting for their sandwich and baked potato, he decided to bring it up again.

"So yesterday," Kakuzu began, putting a straw in his soda. "Did you learn anything?"

There was a short moment of silence.

"... Nope." Hidan said, a smirk suddenly coming to his features. "I decided that I'm still going to have kill the motherfucker."


End file.
